Foods That Have Zero Calories

Chocolate-covered fruit, because there is fruit on the inside.

Pizelles, because they are thin. See also: anything your grandma made.

The bread basket, because you didn’t even order it.

This beer-gelato float, because finals are over.

Anything consumed in the library. Little know fact: silence absorbs calories.

Oatmeal, because it looks like vomit. Which, like poop, is the opposite of calories (see: brownie batter).

This gum because it is gum (see: gum) but also because it is ice.

Homemade cheesecake, because the calories don’t survive after the 4-hour bake time and the 24-hour cooling period. And because it looks like Pacman. Bitch eats and eats but never gains any weight. Our zero-cal idol.

Fruit snacks, because they are made with real fruit.

Trader Joe’s Candy Cane Cookies, because they give you that just-brushed-my-teeth feeling.